


AKA Something I Never Say

by rustyliver



Category: Jessica Jones (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 10:41:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5494250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rustyliver/pseuds/rustyliver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Jessica wanted to say 'I love you' and the one time she didn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	AKA Something I Never Say

The first time Jessica wanted to say it, she was in a bus and Trish was sitting next to her, face buried in her shoulder. Trish wanted to hide her face, but mostly she wanted to hide her tears.   

They were not yet familiar enough for Jessica to put her arm around Trish as a comforting gesture. So instead, Jessica's eyes scanned the bus diligently, hands ready to crush any camera on sight.  

There won't be a headline in some trashy tabloid tomorrow about how Patsy Walker was found a sobbing mess on a bus to New Jersey. They would link it to her so called ex who cared more about his mop of a hair than giving her five seconds of his attention.

When news of their break up reached Jessica, she almost cheered. Good riddance, she had thought. Unfortunately, the rest of the world didn't share her opinion. The rest of the world thought Trish was stupid to let him go and was just waiting for her inevitable meltdown that plagued so many of her starlet peers.

Eventually, the media will find some way to deliver the story that the so called public so desperately wanted, but that won't happen today.

Jessica didn't let it.

It would imply that Trish had so carelessly discarded love when in reality, love wasn't something she had ever felt. Not from some autotuned jackass. Not from her fans, even those who sent her weird handmade Patsy dolls. Definitely not from her mother.

And well, that left Jessica.

Jessica knew what love felt like. She had two loving parents and a brother who, while frequently claimed otherwise, deep deep deep down loved her. It was a comfort Jessica never knew she had until she had lost it, but not having it didn't mean she couldn't give it to someone else.

Jessica wanted to say it – those three monosyllabic words – even though she wasn't quite sure if she felt it for Trish, but she couldn't actually make the sounds she needed to make. Those words are heavier to force out of your throat when you know you don't mean it.

Then the bus reached their stop and Trish put on her sunglasses and pulled the hood of her jacket over her head before darting out of the bus like she was chased by some invisible dog.

"I'll make your life miserable if you tell," Trish said as they rode up the elevator to her penthouse.

So instead of saying what she almost said, Jessica opted for two lighter words that were easier on her throat,

"Wasn't gonna."

 

.

 

They were flying, no, falling the second time Jessica wanted to say it.

Jessica more or less understood her strength from her part time job as a stock girl – nobody cares how she got ten boxes of ketchup bottles from storage to the condiment aisle as long as she got them there before customers started complaining about empty shelves – but above average agility? She had suspected but hadn't yet confirmed it to comfortably say that yes, she can jump higher than most.

She had only planned to jump up to a balcony on the tenth floor, maybe to the twentieth if she can, but she kept pushing and pushing and before she knew it she was standing on the roof, and found Trish there, not at all surprised by her sudden arrival like she was.

"Figures," Trish had said.

Jessica shook her head vigorously. "I didn't! There's a reason an Olympic medallist isn't also the world's highest jumper."

"Who cares?" Trish beamed. "You can fly!"

"I don't know about that. I just jumped."

"Because you thought you had to land somewhere."

"You don't know that. You're not a mind reader."

Trish carelessly waved off the remark. "Don't you want to find out?" she said, climbing on Jess's back.

"No way," Jessica said incredulously, trying to push Trish off her, but her friend held tight and Jessica didn't want to forcefully remove her for fear that she would use more force than required – the fifteen doorknobs she had broken were proofs that knowing your strength doesn't equal the ability to control it. "I don't even know if I can fly. No way I'm gonna try it with you attached to me."

"Come on. You have super strength."

"I do…but so not the point."

"Wait," Trish said, smirking. "Are you worried about me?"

"No!" Jessica had exclaimed when she should have admitted, "YES!". She was a stupid, stubborn kid.

It was exhilarating at first. They were flying! The moon looked bigger than it had ever been. Trish was laughing and cheering into her ears and Jessica felt like the stars were within her reach. Then the laughing and cheering stopped, replaced by gasping and choking. Jessica had forgotten that a normal human's lungs aren't made to breathe at high altitude, at least not so suddenly.

Panicked, Jessica immediately dove down without thinking. Halfway to the ground, it occurred to her that she might not be very good at landing yet. She tried to slow down but she just kept on falling faster and faster.

"You know, I'm glad that my mom is such a publicity whore," Trish whispered to her ear between gasping for air. "If she wasn't, we wouldn't be…this–"

Jessica quickly grabbed Trish's arm as Trish's hold on her loosened.

"I got you!" Jess yelled but Trish couldn't hear her anymore. Carefully, she pulled Trish to her front and into a hug. Then she spun around so that when they hit the ground, her back will absorb the impact.

She was so damned mad at Trish, and as she fell, she drafted a long angry speech lecturing Trish on recklessness and the importance on not giving up which ended with something along the lines of 'I can't imagine a life without you'.

Instead, she yelled,

"IDIOT!"

as she slammed her back against as many ledges and balconies she could so their final fall won't be so brutal.

 

.

 

Jessica was soaking wet during the third time. They were two seventeen year olds who don't know the first thing about taking care of an apartment.

Their first month living by themselves without adult supervision was fun. It felt like a never ending slumber party. They stayed up late watching every movie that Trish had missed out on because of vocal lessons and dance classes and talk show appearances. They ate all the things that Trish couldn't eat before like donuts and waffles and pizza and a crazy amount of pasta. They slept in until two in the afternoon on a school day just because.

Until Jessica was called into the principal's office one morning about her frequent absences and threatened with a call to social services. Trish was emancipated but Jessica was still very much a ward of the state. It was only three months before her eighteenth birthday.

When she went home, she noticed how filthy the apartment was. On the kitchen table, there was a box containing half eaten donuts that she bought a week ago. Then, while looking through the drawers for a clean cloth to wipe the milk stain on the floor right by the fridge, she found an angry red letter about their rent that is way overdue. So she called the production company where Trish was supposed to be at for a very important meeting about some role of a lifetime but the person who answered said that Trish never showed.

Trish didn't come home until three the next morning so drunk that she passed out immediately on the couch.

Jessica didn't sleep waiting for her to wake up. Between cursing sunlight and swallowing aspirin, Trish told Jessica that she got a call from her lawyer the day before. Her mom had found a way to block her from her own money. The lawyer said that no judge will approve her petty demand, but in the meantime, Trish can't access her accounts directly and will be given a stipend which should be enough for her day-to-day expenses.

It should be enough for the day-to-day expenses of a normal person but for a teen superstar like Trish who had become accustomed to a certain kind of lifestyle, it wasn't enough.

While explaining all of that to Jessica as coherently as she possible can, Trish saw the angry red letter that Jessica had forgotten on the kitchen table.

"I should not have ignored that," she muttered regretfully.

If she had, they wouldn't have to move out so quickly out of the apartment into one that Trish's stipend could afford.

"It's just temporary," Trish would mutter to herself as they loaded up the moving van and later as they were unpacking their stuff in their new home.

"It's not too bad," Jessica said. "I mean sure, we have a little less space than we're used to but–" her foot knocked over parts of a shelving unit that she couldn't find the assembly instructions for.

Trish raised an eyebrow, wordlessly communicating 'you were saying…'

"Look okay, we're still unpacking," Jessica said. "It's bound to be a little crowded but when we're done, this apartment will look…fabulous!"

Trish snorted. "I didn't know fabulous was even in your vocabulary."

"Oh, I say fabulous all the time."

"Okay fine, we could decorate the apartment to make it look more presentable but what are we supposed to do with that leaky faucet?" Trish said, pointing towards the water dripping on the kitchen sink.

"It's not leaky. It's just," Jessica went to the kitchen sink and twisted the faucet to tighten it. "Someone didn't shut it ri–"

The faucet exploded. Trish would tell her later that it wasn't as bad as she thought. That it was more like a fountain than a volcano eruption, but Trish didn't have her face right where the water sprang out. It honestly felt like she was punched in the face.

"Poor, baby," Trish mocked as she wiped Jess's face with one of her expensive scarfs because they couldn't find the damn towels.

Water was still coming out of the broken faucet and spilling out onto the floor, some of their boxes were soaked, and Jessica can't pretend that she didn't see Trish sneak into the bathroom with a bottle of pills hidden in the sleeve of her shirt.

This was a huge mistake.

The principal will call social services on Monday and she'll have to live in some stranger's house for the next three months.

But then Trish booped, yes, _booped_ her nose.

"What happened to all the panicking?" Jessica asked.

"Are you kidding?" Trish said. "I'm gonna have to call a plumber and he's probably going to overcharge me because I'm Patsy fucking Walker and I won't know if he's overcharging me because I've never hired a plumber before. But…" she exhaled. "I'll have you. My own personal superhero."

"Yeah, heroes don't break things. They fix 'em."

"Well, there's always a learning curve."

Jessica didn't believe in all that gleaming confidence directed at her, but it made her want to try to be the person who deserves it.

 

.

 

She tries to forget the fourth time.

The words were just at the tip of her tongue but all she heard were the hurtful words that were overflowing out of her mouth.

"You're afraid," she heard herself say into the phone. Kilgrave was standing behind her, a hand massaging her back encouragingly. "You want to save the world but you can't so you project your delusion onto me, but now that I've found someone who sees me as the person I am and not some lycra wearing asshole pouncing around the city punching bad guys, and doesn't make me feel guilty about not saving the world, you're finally seeing your stupid dream as what it is; impossible. And you can't accept that, can you?"

But the worst thing about it wasn't the cruel words. The worst thing about it was Trish's apology. "I never knew that's how you feel. I'm sorry, Jess," she apologized for the third time. "I'll never mention the superhero stuff again. Just come home, okay? I miss you."

"How annoying," Kilgrave muttered. "Tell her that she is suffocating you."

Jessica did.

"Tell her that you hate her."

Jessica did.

"Now, tell her that you never want to see her again."

Again, Jessica did without any protest.

 

.

 

Trish can't stop apologizing after Jessica told her about Kilgrave.

"I should have known," she kept saying, her tone filled with regret and anger.

When Jessica came home, she was greeted coldly. Trish was still hurt and angry at the harsh words spouted at her, but she delayed her anger when Jessica broke down after her throat failed to produce the sounds necessary to explain herself.

"But you didn't," Jessica said. She didn't mean to sound so accusing but she was too tired to take it back. "So stop. Stop saying you're sorry for something that can't be your fault."

Trish opened her mouth, and Jessica could tell that it was another apology but she managed to stop it before it spilled out of her mouth. She left the living room for the kitchen and when she returned, there was a steaming mug of hot chocolate in her hand. She set the mug on the coffee table.

"Wait a little before you drink it," she said. "It's still hot."

Then she turned to leave again.

"Don't," Jessica found herself saying. She sat up when Trish turned back around and pulled the blanket around her so there was enough space on the couch for Trish to sit. "Wanna watch America's Next Top Model with me?"

"Sure," Trish agreed. "Which episode are you on?"

"I think it's the one where they pretend to be birds or something."

Trish groaned.

"What was that for?" Jessica asked.

"Nothing," answered Trish.

Jess squinted suspiciously. "There's something you're not telling me."

"It's nothing," Trish squealed.

Jess shook her head. "That's not nothing."

"You're gonna make fun of me."

"Well, I sort of need the laugh."

Trish appeared to consider it for a moment before sighing. "Fine. I'm in the episode."

"Doing what?"

"I taught them how to catch the essence of a bird in flight."

"Really?"

"Mmmhmmm," Trish nodded.

"How?"

"Just, watch it."

It wasn't as embarrassing as Trish made it out to be. Jess wouldn't say it out loud to preserve both her and Trish's dignities but Trish looked beautiful even with the silly make up and even sillier poses.

Something she barely recognized started to fill up her chest, and as it rose up to her throat, she realized that it was joy. It even almost came out as laughter but then she felt her lips quirk up and Kilgrave's voice echoed in her ears.

She pulled her knees up to her chest and leaned away from Trish. Trish almost asked but she quickly clamped her mouth down when Jessica glanced pleadingly at her.

At some point while the judges were commenting on the contestants' best pictures, Trish's hand hovered uncertainly over hers and her fingers instinctively reached up to touch Trish's palm. Trish took her fingers and rested her hand on Jessica's knuckles before turning to look at her. She avoided the warm gaze until she couldn't anymore.

"You know it's not your fault too, right?" Trish asked.

The weight of her guilt came crashing down and she confessed to Trish about the woman she killed. Trish just listened, not saying a word until her voice became too hoarse to speak.

Trish's eyes were watering with guilt too but she didn't apologize. She just kissed Jess on the forehead and did not promise a future where everything will be fine.

Instead she whispered, "It's okay," her voice desperate for hope that her presence in that moment would be enough.

Trish knew as much as Jessica that it wasn't.

That was the fifth and Jessica promised herself would be the last time. No good will come out of saying those three words to Trish.

 

.

 

Something she would never say. It's 'sardines' or 'pickle juice', according to Trish, but the first thing that came to her mind was,

"I love you."

She's never been good at keeping promises. Besides, it wasn't like she planned on saying it – there was no want. It just kinda came out. By accident.

She got out of the car as fast as she can.

But accident or no, she meant it. It took her by surprise is all.

Then she found herself incapable of not saying it. It's necessary – it was the code word she chose – but she also _needed_ to say it. It's like somewhere in her brain a floodgate was opened.

When she walked out of the police station and Trish pulled her into her arms, Jessica almost said it again, but she decided against it. She wanted to savor the urgent desire for the words to leave her lips without having to fear them.

It's a good feeling.

Anticipation.

She'll say it again. Maybe tonight when she sees Trish for the late night pancakes they used have once a week. Or the next morning while she's trying to wake Trish up with kisses. Or maybe she'll say it both times and a few more times in between.


End file.
